heartbreak

Breakup discourse

11:12:00 AM

It’s funny how I’ve known all along that this was going to happen, and yet when it did, I was frozen in utter shock. I suppose there’s a difference between knowing, and preparing. I knew for a while now that he was unhappy, and I have had the suspicion that he loved me less each day. But even before that, there were days when my gut would tell me that we won’t last forever, simply because there were just too many things in our way.

Fly away
(photo from the internet)
Maybe the reason why I still felt blindsided by the breakup is because I refused to acknowledge all the signs pointing to it. I was deluded by one-sided love. I believed that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, that we were meant for each other; I believed in it so much that I didn’t see (or perhaps I refused to see) that he suffered every day because he simply didn’t love me anymore.

He needed to be free, and so I had to just let go. I suppose the breakup came at the right time, just when 2011 was about to end and 2012 was right at my doorstep; it’s almost poetic how the Universe conspired to give me a literal and proverbial beginning. To say that I am heartbroken is quite the understatement, but I have to get myself together;  I don’t really have plenty of other appealing options.

There’s really not much to say about what happened, actually. We started out great, we had a great run, but in the end, our paths were farther apart than ever and there was no use trying to stay together. No anger, bitterness or resentment, just sadness. There’s the occasional pang of loneliness when I’m doing the things we used to do together all by myself.

But as Ben Gibbard sang in his song, “Where Our Destination Lies,” if I’m gonna be someone equally free, there are things that I must unlearn. I’ve started with the unlearning: making plans for two, staying up late to talk to him, and always finding reasons to message him. I’m unlearning him.

At the moment, I can say without ego that I am still, on a deeper level, happy. I have a lot going for me. I have a loving family and supportive friends, and my career is on the upswing. I’ll be okay. For now, I miss him, but I’ll be over this soon. Maybe I need the freedom as much as he does, so it’s up to me now to make the most of what I’ve been dealt.

isawisay

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