reflection

Nerves of steel

12:00:00 AM

Last week, a good friend told me that he wished he had my nerve. He shared that most of the time, his fear got the better of him, paralyzing him. And because of that, he feels that he’s missing out on a lot of things. I may seem unafraid to most people because I appear outgoing and gutsy, but I am actually scared of a lot of things, too, and on one too many occasions, my fear has stopped me from making the most of opportunities that came my way.  To be honest, that’s how it’s been for the most part of my life.

However, I think my play-acting/pretending to be brave is one of the ways I unintentionally got over some of my fears. Actually, a lot of times, I was just being rash, and with my judgment so clouded, I didn’t have enough clarity of thought to process fear. In effect, some of my attempts to overcome fear blew up in my face because I also wasn’t thinking clearly enough to anticipate possible consequences.

What consequences? JUMP! :)
More than once I wrote about my mother’s death in this blog, and I’ve also said before how going through that experience has changed me in many ways. Overcoming fear is one of the things I’ve learned.

Before my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I have already been afraid of the possibility of her death. There were huge lumps on her neck, and she could barely move. And when the doctors confirmed that it was Stage 3 cancer, I knew that it was only a matter of time before I lost her. I was scared as hell; I didn’t know if I could live without her.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
(image from the internet)
But I knew that I had so little time left to be with her, so I made the decision to make the most of it and we lived one borrowed day at a time. When I woke up in the morning, my instinct was to check if she was still alive, and if she was, I would say my prayer of thanks before I carried on with the rest of the day. Every day I watched her suffer, and the awareness of her pain slowly replaced my fear of losing her with the desire to make the agony stop, even if it means death.

I eventually graduated from my fear of losing her. She died before my eyes, but as I watched her take her last breath, I wasn’t afraid of the future anymore. Over the five months we tried to save her, I managed to prepare myself for the worst. And in the end, I was comforted by the fact that she no longer suffered, and by my unwavering belief that a soul as pure as my mother’s would go straight to where God is.

For the record, I am still afraid of a lot of things. But experience has taught me that fear exists to remind us of what we’re capable of, so we can’t ever let it paralyze us. I can’t remember who said it, but I read a quote that said man is often more afraid of what he can do than what he cannot. And I found out that the more afraid I am of something, the more fulfilled I am when I manage to get over it. I was afraid of living without my mother, but I was very much capable of doing it. Each day I know I’m making her proud.

isawisay

You Might Also Like

0 thoughts

Hello, reader! Thank you for wasting your time reading my blog. I do hope you enjoyed whatever you stumbled upon. :)