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LT / The Proust Questionnaire #2

12:00:00 AM

(photo from the internet) 
Question #2: What is your greatest fear?

My default answer is: cockroaches. Small as they are, those menacing little creatures never fail to send me running for my life when I realize that I am in the same room as they are. I'm a tough girl, I know, but those insects never fail to scare the sh*t out of me. But I think the question is asking me for something deeper than that, so let me give another answer. Haha!

I've actually had a number of meaningful conversations about fear with friends through the years, and my answers have changed. When I was much younger, I feared rejection, mainly because of immaturity. Don't get me wrong - I'm still immature, but I think I've grown enough to know that there are far worse things than people who won't accept you, mainly because there are people who will without reservation or hesitation.

Then there's fear of failure, which is something I still struggle with from time to time. But I've become more confident over time - I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not capable of, and for the latter, well, there's Google to help me through. And I guess jiu-jitsu helped, as well - our instructors always remind us that failure is a learning opportunity, and that we don't ever really fail until we stop trying.

Even as a kid, death never really frightened me. Everybody dies. But the idea of not leaving a mark in the world, no matter how small, is something that bothers me so much that it keeps me tossing and turning in bed on some nights. Even if I do not want to have children of my own, I do want to leave behind a legacy of sorts.

I want to be remembered, if not by the world, then at least by people I encounter. I want to leave the world the way my mother did - a little better for everyone who's ever had the good fortune of meeting her. I constantly try to be a good person, and I feel terrible when I know that I'm not able to do so - when I lose my temper, when I don't help out even when I could, or when I take people and things for granted.

What's your greatest fear?

isawisay

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