The Proust Questionnaire #13

12:00:00 AM

Question: What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

I'm most miserable when I'm in the middle of a misunderstanding with family, and with friends that I consider family. I feel like Atlas when I know that I've let them down in some way - carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Don't get me wrong - I'm not out to please everyone, and I couldn't care less about what most people say. But I do want to please the people I value, whose opinions truly matter to me, and when I know I've disappointed any one of them, I take it to heart.
(photo from the internet)
It's easier for me to handle being let down. I would either just shut up or explode depending on the circumstances and on my mood, but I almost always forgive easily. My best friend, Joandrea, even pointed out to me that I may be too forgiving. That may be so, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've seen what grudges do to people; holding on to anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.

But when I know I'm to blame, when I know that the fight is my fault, I have a hard time forgiving myself - even after the person I've wronged has forgiven me. I tend to beat myself up until I feel that I've suffered enough for whatever I've done. I hate knowing I could have done better, but didn't.

As I've grown older, though, the time it takes for me to forgive myself has grown shorter, the process, easier. Experience and age really can teach you a thing or two about letting go.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?


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